SAND TRAPS

AN 80 YEAR OLD MAN WHO WAS AN AVID GOLFER MOVED TO A NEW TOWN AND JOINED THE LOCAL COUNTRY CLUB. HE WENT TO THE CLUB FOR THE FIRST TIME TO PLAY BUT WAS TOLD THERE WASN'T ANYBODY HE COULD PLAY WITH BECAUSE THEY WERE ALREADY OUT ON THE COURSE.

HE REPEATED SEVERAL TIMES THAT HE REALLY WANTED TO PLAY. FINALLY THE ASSISTANT PRO SAID HE WOULD PLAY WITH HIM AND ASKED HOW MANY STROKES HE WANTED FOR A BET. THE OLD MAN SAID "I REALLY DON'T NEED ANY STROKES AS I HAVE BEEN PLAYING QUITE WELL. THE ONLY REAL PROBLEM I HAVE IS GETTING OUT OF SAND TRAPS.

AND HE DID PLAY WELL. COMING TO THE PAR 4 18TH, THEY WERE EVEN. THE PRO HAD A NICE DRIVE AND WAS ABLE TO GET ON THE GREEN AND 2 PUTT FOR A PAR. THE OLD MAN HAD A NICE DRIVE BUT HIS APPROACH SHOT LANDED IN A SAND TRAP NEXT TO THE GREEN. PLAYING FROM THE SAND TRAP, HE HIT A HIGH BALL THAT LANDED ON THE GREEN AND ROLLED INTO THE HOLE! BIRDIE, MATCH, AND ALL THE MONEY.

THE PRO WALKED OVER TO THE SAND TRAP WHERE THE OLD MAN WAS STILL STANDING IN THE TRAP. HE SAID, "NICE SHOT BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAVE A PROBLEM GETTING OUT OF SAND TRAPS?"

REPLIED THE 80 YEAR OLD MAN, "I DO. PLEASE GIVE ME A HAND."

CREDIT: SUSAN CAPPS

SENIOR NEWS

 HIT AND PRAY

A YOUNG MAN AND A PREACHER WERE PLAYING GOLF TOGETHER. AT A SHORT PAR THREE, THE PREACHER ASKED THE YOUNG MAN WHAT IRON HE WAS GOING TO HIT AND THE YOUNG MAN REPLIED AN 8 IRON, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO HIT.

THE PREACHER SAID HE WAS GOING TO USE AN 7 IRON AND PRAY. THE YOUNG MAN HIT HIS SHOT ON THE GREEN AND THE PREACHER TOPS HIS 7 IRON AND DRIBBLES A FEW FEET AWAY.

THE YOUNG MAN SAYS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT AT OUR CHURCH, WHEN WE PRAY, WE KEEP OUR HEAD DOWN!

DENTURES

A COUPLE OF ELDERLY GENTS WERE PLAYING GOLF WHEN ONE SAID TO THE OTHER, HE WAS GOING TO GET A NEW SET OF DENTURE FROM DR. TAYLOR IN THE MORNING. HIS FRIEND SAID THAT HE HAD GONE TO THE SAME DENTIST SOME YEARS EARLIER. IS THAT SO REPLIED THE FIRST FRIEND. DID HE DO A GOOD JOB?

WELL I WAS PLAYING GOLF YESTERDAY WHEN SOMEONE ON ANOTHER TEE BOX HIT A HOOK AND THE BALL MUST HAVE BEEN GOING 2OO MILES PER HOUR WHEN IT HIT ME IN THE GROIN AND THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME IN 2 YEARS, THAT MY DENTURES DIDN'T HURT.

 

SIGNS YOUR PLAYING TOO MUCH GOLF

WHEN YOU PICK SOMETHING OFF THE FLOOR, YOU HAVE TO LEAN ON YOUR PUTTER.

THE ONLY NUMBER ON YOUR SPEED DIAL IS 1-800-TEETIME.

YOU HAVE YOUR PRIORITIES IN ORDER: FOOD, SHELTER, TEE TIMES, AND A JOB.

 

DAVE HILLS RESPONSE TO THE GAME OF GOLF

GOLF IS THE HARDEST GAME IN THE WORLD AND THE EASIEST TO CHEAT.

MY GAME IS SO BAD, I HAVE TO HAVE 3 CADDIES. ONE FOR THE LEFT ROUGH AND ONE FOR THE RIGHT ROUGH AND ONE FOR DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE FAIRWAY. THE ONE DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE FAIRWAY DOESN'T HAVE MUCH TO DO.

 

COMEBACKS BETWEEN GOLFER AND CADDY

GOLFER: I'D MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH TO SHOOT UNDER 100.

CADDY: TRY HEAVEN, YOU'VE ALREADY MOVED MOST OF THE EARTH.

 

GOLFER: WELL CADDY! HOW DO YOU LIKE MY GAME?

CADDY: VERY GOOD SIR, BUT PERSONALLY I PREFER GOLF.

 

GOLFER: SAY CADDY, DO YOU THINK MY GAME IS IMPROVING?

CADDY: OH YES SIR, YOU MISS THE BALL MUCH CLOSER THAN YOU USED TOO.

 

GOLFER: I'M PLAYING SO BADLY I THINK I'LL DROWN MYSELF IN THAT LAKE.

CADDY: I DOUBT THAT, I DON'T THINK YOU COULD KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN LONG ENOUGH.  

 FROM LEE TREVINO

ONE OF THE NICE THINGS ABOUT THE SENIOR TOUR IS THAT, YOU CAN DRIVE A CART AND HAVE A COOLER AND IF YOUR HAVING A BAD GAME, YOU CAN ALWAYS HAVE A PICNIC.

JACK LEMMON QUOTE

I WAS LAYING 10 AND HAD A 35 FOOT PUTT AND I ASKED MY CADDY, HOW DO YOU THINK IT WILL BREAK, AND THE CADDY SAID, WHO CARES! 

TRUISIMS

GOLF BALLS ARE LIKE EGGS, THEY ARE WHITE AND THEY ARE SOLD BY THE DOZENS AND EVERY WEEK YOU HAVE TO BUY SOME MORE.

 

A PRO SHOP GETS ITS NAME FROM THE FACT YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE INCOME OF A PROFESSIONAL GOLFER TO AFFORD TO BUY ANYTHING IN THERE.

 

ITS AMAZING HOW A GOLFER WHO NEVER HELPS AROUND THE HOUSE, WILL REPLACE DIVOTS, AND REPAIR BALL MARKS AND RAKE THE SAND TRAPS.

 

WHEN YOU STOP TO THINK ABOUT IT, DID YOU EVER NOTICE, THAT ITS A LOT EASIER TO GET UP AT 6 AM FOR A ROUND OF GOLF, THAN TO GET UP AT 10AM, TO MOW THE GRASS.

 

IT TAKES A LOT LONGER TO LEARN TO PLAY GOLF, THAN IT DOES A BRAIN SURGEON. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU SELDOM GET TO RIDE AROUND IN A CART, DRINK A BEER, EAT HOTDOGS, AND PASS GAS, WHILE PERFORMING BRAIN SURGERY. 

 JIM DENT SAID

I CAN AIRMAIL A GOLF BALL A LONG DISTANCE BUT SOMETIMES I DON'T PUT THE RIGHT ADDRESS ON IT.